A Change of Perspective

So ya know, maybe I'm not so happy after all. It kind of hit me now. I was standing on the subway platform this evening waiting for a train and had plenty of time to think. The train was late and as I waited, the crowd got thick with people wanting to get home. When it finally arrived everyone shoved in...no one was willing to wait any longer, including me.

I pushed myself and my computer bag into that train and stood there crammed in with a divese crowd of people. There was really no need to hold on, there was no place to fall, since we were so tightly packed together. Yet, even though there were people all around me, I was alone. That familiar feeling came over me once again...I am all alone. I imagined that most of the people on the train were hurrying home to someone...a spouse, a friend, a parent, a child. But not me...well except for my kitty cat. Thankfully I have Jazz. Not sure what I would do without him.

I can't explain why the loneliness hit me today. Maybe because I'm tired. It's been a difficult week and the pace will continue the next few days and weeks until our leadership summit mid August. Perhaps it was just that I finally stood still long enough to think and allowed the loneliness to creep in. And just maybe that's why I don't allow myself to stand still for very long. I typically run through each day cramming as much in as I possibly can. That way I won't have time to think.

But...now that I have...it's hard to believe Kenny has been gone for a few days shy of an entire year. That's twelve months...TWELVE months! 365 days! How can that be? It's really hard for me to fathom. And, I'm not sure I'm so happy after all. I was just trying to fool myself. It's going to take just a little bit longer. I guess that speaks to the shifting emotions of being a widow.