It's Hitting Me Hard

Wow! I can't explain it but this whole new assignment thing is hitting me hard. And I'm not sure I can completely understand why, but it's about the loneliest I've felt since Kenny died. Perhaps it's because I have so many decisions to make and he is not here to talk with, to bounce ideas off...to run things by. Or perhaps it's because I have so many loose ends to tie up and normally I would have him to share the load. I'm not exactly sure what it is... Tonight I even arranged for someone to stay in my house while I'm on assignment and that's a huge comfort. She will take care of it as her own and I know I'm leaving it in good hands. But it still feels weird to just walk out on my entire life...even if only for six months.

Today work named a replacement for me and that feels weird too. I started to prep the new guy about all my team functions, my priorities etc. the team, and that's when the melancholia started. I've given my blood sweat and tears to building this team...and it feels strange to be handing it off to someone else. I know that's probably ridiculous but it's how I feel. Yet in reality I know nothing will miss a beat when I walk out that door...it never does. It's just like a hand pulled from a bucket of water, it won't be noticed. Nothing will change.

It's approaching a year since Kenny's been gone and I miss him now more than ever. I found myself tonight trying to figure out someone to call...someone to talk to. Like a wounded animal I walked in circles...walked in circles...not knowing where to turn. I even talked for a few minutes to an old highschool friend but she was on travel, had to go, got busy. She'll call me tomorrow... Right! Thanks! Yeah, it's lonely here...