I know...

Most of you looking from the outside in, probably think I have the world by the tail! After all, in August I did spend ten days with my kids in Santa Monica and I just got home from a seven day Paris vacation. What could possibly bring more happiness?

I know.

It should.

So I can’t explain why I’m in such a rut! Perhaps it’s the reality of missing my father. He’s been gone a few months now and it is hitting me over the head. Or perhaps I’ve been so busy moving and getting settled for the last three years that I haven’t had time to deal with the loss of Kenny.

Good grief, Lucy, it’s been three years. Time to move on!!

I know.

I'm trying. 

In fact, I’ve worked very hard to move on from this grief. I’ve even given the dating game a run of it again. But as usual it’s been a total disappointment. Really? It shouldn't be so difficult to meet a nice, adventurous, compatible, single man. But, it is! Compatible is the elusive part. So, perhaps that’s bugging me too, because honestly, it’s really difficult going it alone.

I know.

So, what’s a girl to do?

I just keep my life moving… For one, I’m back to my metal work again. Finally after a year and a half, I spent last Saturday morning with Hugh. The first two hours we caught up on our lives and compared notes on some reference sculptures. We both continuously look to other artists for a source of inspiration and ideas and enjoy discussing the various concepts.

The last hour of our morning, I started welding a piece from some cast off metal I had been saving. The design is nothing too serious, but I felt like I just needed to start simple and get my feet wet again. I’m using this one to refresh my memory on the settings and techniques of using the big MIG! As in welder that is. Then I’ll move on to something a bit more serious. In fact, I need to start thinking of a design and I need to find some scrap metal! You know, car parts, plumbing parts, anything at all. So if you have any discarded metal, call me!

Other than that, the rest of my spare time is spent working on my house, making it my nest. And it’s getting really cozy! Thankfully, I’ve had a lot of help from my sister Libby. I love coming home from work to see what she’s tackled! She has unboxed tons of stuff and put it away, she’s painted nearly every wall, and she has hung a few pictures here and there. Not to mention all the furniture and rugs she has schlepped around! She treats it as her place which is just fine by me! In fact, it almost seems more her place now than mine.

So that’s right, I continue to press forward and fill my days! Last week I went to a bereavement group at a local church. It was OK, with exception that when it was finally my turn to introduce myself I could barely speak.

I know.

Really? Me?

Yes me!  I told them “my story” in between breathless sobs. I’m not sure I’ll go back.

I know.

But, I don't think I can...

Does this grieving ever end?  Probably not! I’m guessing this is just my life from now on.  Days filled with moments of normalcy interlaced with shock waves of grief.

I know...

Grief sucks!

Sour Lemons!

As much as possible, I try to turn lemons into lemonade, but ya know...it's not always that easy! Sometimes the lemons are way too sour!

Just as I thought life had finally turned sweet...I got another batch of this sour fruit thrown at me!

And I just don't know what to do with it...

Very sadly...I lost another one...a man who meant the world to me. My Dad! Thankfully he died in his sleep and did not appear to have suffered. We all agree that's a blessing, but it doesn't make the loss any less bitter. One minute he was here...and the next minute...gone!

FOREVER!

I just can't believe I'll never see him again...at least not on this earth.

Pop, as my boys named him, was an amazing man!! He never stopped learning. The word IMPOSSIBLE was not in his vocabulary. He already knew...or took it upon himself to learn...how to do, make, fix, or improve nearly everything!! In fact, he left behind a tall stack of books that he had planned to read. It's quite an assortment of everything from "do it yourselfers," to political commentary, to history books of both ancient and modern times.

That was my Pop! He was always reading, always learning, always improving, and he was always on the go!

I have to say; over the years I was delighted to see that a few of Pop's characteristics had rubbed off on me. He was a guy who filled his life with people and activities. Just as I do!! And he had made his life-long career at FAA, just as I am doing. It was nice to have someone at home to talk with who understood my job. In fact, we both thrived on our moments together "talking shop." I'm sure my Mom and siblings were like, "Oh boy, here we go again, we have to listen to all this FAA stuff and try to decipher all those crazy acronyms!" But, Pop was the one person in my family who really understood my work, its unique language and all it entails.

God, I miss him!

My coping with this new set back is to keep on moving and to try not to sit still too long. Just as my Pop would do. And, I am trying to be with my Mom as much as I possibly can, because I know too well the adjustment it is for her. I am surrounding myself with my family and as always...

I continue to count my blessings!

Each day, I remind myself how lucky I am to have had a GREAT father throughout my life. I am blessed to have been fabulously close with him. He was always there for me, ready to help at a moment's notice. And I leaned on him for his sound and thoughtful advice; his values and morals have helped guide my path.

My Pop had a great sense of humor and spirit and genuinely cared about people. He lived a life of community service and made a lasting impression on others as he did on me. He was my biggest fan, my biggest supporter and he loved me unconditionally. God Bless him!

No wonder I miss him so...

Life is Sweet and I Know it's Just the Beginning!

Can someone please pinch me? I am happier now than I have been in years and I can hardly believe it! I'm sure it must be a dream...
So just give me a little pinch so I will know this life is real!!!

Years ago in the midst of all our turmoil, both of my sisters would often say, "Cissy, some day you're life is going to be sweet, I just know it!" And at the time I just couldn't imagine a day when things would be better. Times for us had been tough for so very long; it had simply become a way of living...a way of feeling. Stress prevailed like a daily prescription! But, here I am today and with the exception of still missing Kenny...my life is FINALLY sweet. Thank God, my sisters were right!

I'm just about settled into my new home and after several long years moving from place to place it sure feels g-r-e-a-t to have a home of my own again!

Ok, I'm still sleeping on an air mattress and I occasionally step on a tack strip and run it through my toe. I live daily with drywall dust and paint rollers and there's a gaping hole in my kitchen floor so I have to be careful not to trip in it.

Some would probably find it all a bit disconcerting, but compared to what I've been through...this is nothing! I am happy and content!

Yes, it's still a work in progress; we are in the midst of a little remodeling and repairs. We've ripped out my kitchen island and we've torn apart the walk in closet. The dishwasher doesn't work and the oven needs to be calibrated.

My carpet has been on back order for weeks and the walls are only half painted. But at least I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. And Heaven knows, I've been in that dark tunnel for a long, long time! 

In the mean time, I've planted flowers in my front garden, I've scrubbed nearly every nook and cranny of the place, and I've polished my Jacuzzi till it shines. I've ordered a few new rugs for here and there and new window shades for the kitchen. Slowly but surely, the place is beginning to look and feel like my own.

This weekend the weather was blissful! I threw open all the windows and allowed the sunlight to spill into every room on every floor. The cool breeze took me back to another place and time...in my childhood. I recall that same lovely wind blowing through the yard as Chip and I played there on a cool spring day. We didn't have a care in the world and that's how it felt this weekend!!

I got up early Saturday morning and I enjoyed my  coffee on my upper bedroom deck while I watched the birds build a nest in the eaves of the house across the way. 

Later, I fixed myself a nice omelet and proceeded to dance my way through the rest of the weekend. I did what I wanted when I wanted, wherever I wanted! Life is sweet and I know it's just the beginning...

Making Progress...

I stopped by the house tonight and finally connected with the customer service guy from the alarm system. He walked me through the system codes to get it reprogrammed and told me how it works. What a relief!!! Now I will feel safe in my new home.

I had a little dinner there this evening out on my deck and spent a little time organizing things in the kitchen. I sure hated to lock up and leave this evening and REALLY, I wish I could move in NOW! But...the interior painting has just begun and the carpets still need to be installed and the island and kitchen floors have to be fixed...so I am just going to have to be a bit more patient!!! A couple more weeks is all it will take and I will finally be able to settle into my own home again. I just can not wait!!! I LOVE this place already!!! My home...

Home Sweet Home

Finally!!! I have a home again. After being in limbo for so long, this evening I finally settled on my new home!! Oh my! I can't explain how this feels. Settlement went absolutely perfect, until the very end when I finally mentioned that my husband Kenny died in 2007. Yeh, I started to cry...couldn't help myself. And the folks at the table were very sweet and gracious to me... I'm sure I caught them by surprise, they probably figured I was a divorcee. But no...quite the opposite...

I know it should be such a joyous occasion buying a new home, but the old familiar "widows world" crept in today. It was bittersweet after all. I just wanted Kenny to be here to talk to...to share in my excitement. But I was alone...once again. I've never owned my own home before...just me...by myself. And it struck me kind of strange. Just didn't feel quite right...

Thankfully my Mom and Dad had driven down from Pennsylvania and they were here waiting for me...and that helped a great deal. We drove to the house and I showed them around. We shared the excitement together.

The highlight of the evening was the moment I accidentally set off the alarm system. And I have to say it's the loudest alarm I've ever heard!!! Oh MY gosh!!! I don't think I have to worry about anyone breaking in!! And for sure...I still have a lot to learn about my new place.  Buying a house from a bank is just like buying a "grab bag." Ya, just don't know what you've got!! At first it's a bit of a mystery to solve.

So...Friday my work begins. I will take the day off work and get the locks changed and set about to do all the other things on my list. Really, though I wonder how long it will take until it feels like home???

Delayed...

Well, closing on my home didn't go today. Hopefully tomorrow. And, I'm trying to keep it in perspective, it's not a life or death thing. But honestly, it is a bit annoying. They put such pressure on me to be sure I was ready to close today. Yet, they are the ones who have delayed it!!! And, I wasted a day's leave sitting around today waiting. So, it's bugging me.

Also there is no way to describe how it is to be in limbo for so long. I haven't lived in my own place for two years. That's a very long time to be living out of bags, boxes and suitcases! I am just anxious to get settled and start my new life. Tomorrow...hopefully...

My Oh My!!!

Time ticks by at a steady pace!!! My days just seem to blurr together!!! But all in all, life seems to FINALLY be falling into place for me!! I've bought a house and I'm supposed to close on it tomorrow...although I already got a call from my Realtor saying the settlement may be delayed. They are supposed to be receiving an "overnight-ed" package...and it's not there yet!

I am not worried...there is really nothing to worry about. It will happen sooner than later. Although...I do have carpet cleaners lined up to arrive tomorrow and a locksmith to change my locks, so I may need to reschedule them. But it's all "doable!" No worries!!!

This has been a long time coming! I can't wait to call the movers to bring my furniture and be able to get all settled in my new place. There is nothing quite like the anticipation of living in my own home again!!!

Good Morning!!!

What a BEAUTIFUL Saturday morning! I am gonna post this quick update, then get buzzing around! Pat is coming today from Rehoboth for a baby shower for the Rowland's kids. Then she is spending the night with me and so is my darling little Chloe. It's gonna be a busy day, but it's bound to be a fun one!

Any time spent with my Patty Anne is FUN! She laughs incessantly!!! I used to tell Kenny that I believe if Pat fell down and broke her leg, she would come up laughing! That's just the way she is. Somehow she finds the humor in everything! LOVE HER!!!

Yesterday Margie's Dad, Mike came over and fixed my computer and he helped me put new coolant in my little car. I'm learning something new everyday...like I had no idea we had to mix the coolant 50/50 with water. Who knew? I know, I know, some comes already premixed, I learned that too, but the kind I bought had to be diluted. So, I got that done and got my computer working again! Perfect!!!

In a few minutes I'm gonna go out and clean up both cars. They sure need it! It's been a long messy winter here. It was a good feeling yesterday to finally roll back the top on my car and take it for a spin! Somehow for me, it just washes my cares away. So...I am sure gonna look forward to many more days like that in the next several weeks!!! And....I want my car to look spiffy when I do...so here I go!!!

OK for now, I'm running off...enjoy this beautiful day!!!!

Now really! Where have I been ?

What can I say? It's been a busy few weeks! I closed on my home in GA. It finally sold and the movers arrived to pack up my belongings and move them into storage. It's hard to describe how it felt to follow that moving van out of town, "There goes my entire World, my life...all 31 years of marriage and the raising of our three sons."

It was VERY strange indeed to see it roll out of town; all my life-long belongings are tucked neatly inside. And all I can say is that my stuff is somewhere now in the DC Metro area...in storage. I don't even know exactly where, but hopefully it's all safe and sound.

And so...tomorrow it begins, the next leg of the journey...I am finally looking at houses. I need to find a new place to call my own and I have a few places I've found on-line that look promising. So...tomorrow I will venture out with a Realtor to try and claim my stake!!! Wish me luck!!!

A Few Busy Days Ahead...

This morning a friend is going with me to get my car and "stuff" from Lisa's house. It's gonna be a long day of driving back and forth...but it will sure feel good to get it done. This is just another of the many steps to getting my life back in order!!!

It will be great to see my cute little car again! And I'm sure my brother in law will be glad that it will no longer be his responsibility. He has been taking care of it, which included starting it occasionally and shovelling it out during all those crazy snow storms!! Heavy snow on a rag top is not a good thing! With any luck the weather will soon warm up so I can drive it again. I have to say there's just something really sweet about tooling down those back country roads with the wind blowing through my hair! Can't wait.

This morning I'm taking a minute to enjoy a little coffee then I've got some cleaning and organizing to do before I hit the road for Leesburg.

TGIF!

Man oh man it's Friday! Marge and I hurried home...I was in a rush to get home to redo my hair etc. and meet a friend for Happy Hour!!! The evening went better than expected and I returned home to hang with Margie. We talked, we laughed...and generally shared thoughts about our futures!!! Funny how when things seem the most challenging...there is always a light at the end of the tunnel!

Tomorrow I have plans to retrieve my cute little car from Leesburg and the rest of my stuff! And Sunday...well let's just say...I have plans. Yeh...things are sure looking up!!!

Finally Getting This Monkey Off My Back!

OK here I go! Time to resume blogging again! I know I’ve started this several times before, but this time, I’m gonna try to stick with it! Writing each day about my experiences, my thoughts and especially my feelings sure helped me survive the first year without Kenny. Believe it or not, even though it’s approaching three years since he died…I still don’t have my act together! Clearly! Well actually, I probably have my ACT together, but that’s just the problem…it’s all an act!! It’s not the REAL me. I’m sure at this point some people are saying, “Time to get over it Lucy, put it behind you!” But that’s much easier said than done! Really!! So…I figure what helped me before…blogging…may just be the ticket to getting me through this new phase. At least I’m SURE hoping so...

So, what have I been up to since my last update? Well, for a while I lived with my sister Lisa in Leesburg, VA. That was a huge help as my temporary housing allowance came to an end in June of last year and my house down south had still not sold. Paying for a house out of state, including utilities to keep it running, made buying a place here out of the question. So, thankfully my sister and family took me in until I could get things sorted out. I had a great time with them in Leesburg and they helped me get through one more phase of this transition to my new life. Thank goodness for my family!!

In December I moved to Maryland and I’m renting a basement apartment from my friend Margie; she's Priscilla’s Cousin and Mike and Rosa's daughter.  That’s been another great step for me because it puts me back in my old stomping ground, near an abundance of friends and family, including Kyle and Jess and Ken’s Mom. It’s also reduced my commute to work by at least 30 minutes. Thank God! And it gives me more space of my own and a chance to try out townhouse living with an eye on the future. So far, it appears to be a great housing solution for this stage of my life.

And I LOVE my new roommate! Margie and I are so much alike, it’s a bit scary! Really…how can there be two of us? She’s even a LEO too! Her birthday is a few days after mine, except, well let’s just say she’s a “few” years younger!!! LOL! At any rate, it’s a great partnership, Marge and Me! She keeps me young, makes me exercise and keeps me laughing…incessantly!!! We even ride to work together. What joy!

OK and I’ve dabbled at dating again. I’d like to say it's going well…but truly it’s simply NOT!! I suppose I take it all too seriously. I’m working on getting my head adjusted to being able to just enjoy the “here and now” rather than trying to find a partner for the rest of my life. I know I’ve been setting myself up for failure because I’m looking for the same standard of “attentiveness” I got from Kenny. He set the bar real high there. In fact at the end of our time together, I would say it was more like adoration. He simply adored me and it was very sweet to be loved that much by someone. People continue to tell me I was very lucky in that regard…

But, I’ve given it some serious, contemplative thought and realize our marriage didn’t start out that way. Ken's adoration for me evolved over years of working things out, supporting each other, raising our kids together…going through the challenges together, especially the eighteen years of his disability and terminal illness. So, I know I will have to adjust my expectations there. Things just don’t happen over night! I’m keeping that in mind from now on...

Now for the GOOD NEWS!!! My house has finally sold! Yes, that’s right!!! I will be going to settlement soon and will finally get this “monkey off my back!” Honestly, it’s a bit stressful right now. This next week I’m facing is gonna be a tough one. The melancholy is beginning to surround me; I can feel it creeping in. I am sure that walking out of our last home together will signify closing a chapter of my life. Man…it’s gonna be hard…very hard indeed…