Mr. Lasso Lucky!!

My cowboy finally made it home today. I got him all welded together. And my welds were pretty good for a beginner.


I even used the welding helmet today; finally got the hang of snapping my neck so the shield would fall down over my face just before pullin' the trigger on the welding stinger. It takes a while to get the coordination down...but by golley...I think I've got it!


Hugh said you are either become a good welder or a good grinder! I have to admit, I had to use the grinder a bit today. A couple welds were just too blobby. So I cheated a little...and fixed them up. He told me he's gotten really good with the grinder over the years. So at least I don't feel too shabby!


Mr. Lasso Lucky-Click on the triangle to see him in motion!


Before leaving today I went inside to show Barbara my sculpture and she really liked him. I said to Hugh, "I'm not sure he's going to fit in so well with my home decor." And he laughed and said, "You mean you don't have Early Cowboy?" Ha! I said, "Well...I do now!" And sure enough, Mr. Cowboy is prominently displayed on my kitchen counter. He looks pretty cute. He's got lots of attitude.

On my way home I stopped at Monica's to show her my sculpture and we talked for a while. She said I had to name him...so together we came up with Mr. Lasso Lucky. After all...he is throwing a lasso and he's made of horseshoes. So, I'm sure hoping Mr. Lucky brings me some real good luck!! Yee Ha!!

Here is a funny video from last Saturday. I tried to teach Hugh how to use my camera but he kept goofing it up. He would think the camera was off when it was still on and then he thought he was turning it on...when he was actually turning it off. Nonetheless it's a pretty good capture of he and I conversing together. And I think it's priceless!

Click on the triangle to play it!

Off My Stride...

Just a little off my stride the last several days. Working to focus on the positive and yet...sometimes it feels like life is just too hard. I'll snap back soon...

Live in the Moment

This is probably the most days I've gone without blogging, but I've been extremely busy this week. Libby left on Tuesday after I had gone to work. I sure hated to see her go. She is simply an amazing person! When I got home from work Tuesday evening, she had cleaned the entire apartment before she left...even the litter box! And she had folded my laundry, tidied up everything and stocked my fridge with food. She is obviously worried that I never cook for myself. But...I just don't see the point without having someone to share it with.

Libby and I spent the entire three days just talking, walking, and laughing. Oh...and beautifying too. She gave me a haircut and color. I sat out there on my balcony Monday evening with my hair all up in papers and goop. HA! Hopefully I'm high enough up here on the sixth floor that no one could see me...but frankly...honestly...I couldn't give a darn! Anyway, how about that...having my own personal hair stylist?!? And it was all her idea!!

We spent both Saturday and Sunday buzzing through the shops in Old Town Alexandria. It's such a beautiful old city. We both love it there! Sunday we ate in the alleyway garden of a little Greek restaurant. It was amazing!! We had gazpacho soup, stuffed grape leaves, spanikopita and sour dough bread that we dipped in olive oil and basil...with wine of course. We were surrounded in the garden on three sides by old antique brick walls, and we sat underneath a pergola that was twisted with wisteria. Although it wasn't in bloom, I simply enjoyed seeing how it vined itself around and around the columns. It was a graceful, elegant canopy of green.

I really miss having Libby here. Now it's just me and Jazz again...

Tonight after work I drove straight to Kyle and Jessica's. I had parked my car this morning in the garage across from work. Normally I metro to work, but I wanted to be able to make a quick escape right after work today, so I drove in instead.

I met them at their apartment and we went to see where they will be married in October. It's an old stone castle in Baltimore that had actually been built in 1930 as someones home. It's actually a Tudor Style house...but looks like an old castle. It's sits up on top of a hill off Falls Road and it's surrounded by acres of woods. Wow! It has a slate roof, hexagonal glass windows, a beautiful garden courtyard and a spiral staircase. My, my. I love it!

Jessica walked around showing me room after room and she was beaming. She is so happy with the place. It reminded me a bit of Cinderella because Jessica has had some challenging moments in her life. But she is an amazing person and she is hardworking and determined and smart and kind. She's a great Mom too! I can't think of a better match for my Kyle. I can just see her on their wedding day. She will be the princess in that castle. And Kyle will be her adoring prince. Well and let's see, I suppose Jessica's little Chloe will be our princess in training. Here is a cute, cute photo I just took of Kyle and as Libby calls her..."Chloe-bean!" God I love my little pumpkin!

I left their place about nine to head back home to Virginia. And I was listening to that Delilah radio show. I know...there I go...being sappy again. Someone called in and was feeling a little down. She was a single Mom and said she finds herself wondering whether she will spend the rest of her life alone. It's a familiar feeling... Delilah asked her why she was worrying about the future when it's not even here yet. Then she said, "Live in the moment and stop worrying about tomorrow." And...well...I suppose that's pretty good advice.

After she had played the woman a beautiful song, she came back on the radio and said...something like, "I hope you are surrounded by positive people, the kind who can make you feel good, the kind who cheer you on and make you happy."

It was a very cool way to end my evening. I'm going to continue to stay positive...focus on the positive. Live in the moment. Not borrow trouble...or worry about tomorrow. And...continue to surround myself with loving, happy people. That's my promise to myself! No worries...none.

No Cowboy Yet...

Darn! I didn't get to bring home my cowboy yesterday. I practiced more spot welding and it went a lot better than last week. Then I finally started to weld together my cowboy, but I didn't get him finished. In fact I made a mistake. I welded his spine to his legs, then realized I had cut the piece a little short. We had to cut it off and next week I'll start over. I re cut a new spine. This time it's a little longer and I'll attach it at a slightly different angle.

After my apprenticeship, I met Libby at the shopping center. We went to the Amish Market and picked up a few things, then we headed to my house. She had brought with her an assortment of FOOD! Unlike me, Libby loves to cook! Yeah! So when we got here late in the afternoon we had tomatoes with mozzarella and fresh basil. Y-u-m-m-m...and a glass of wine. For a while we just sat around and enjoyed the serenity of my quiet apartment. Libby loves it here and says if I were her, she would never leave. It's all I need. I tend to agree!

After lunch we unloaded her car. She brought me two square wicker trunks and a piece of glass to put on top of them. Now I have a coffee table for in front of my little futon sofa. She also brought me a tea cart for my TV set. I finally figured out that I have standard cable in my apartment so I hooked that up the other night and now I can get a few channels. Not that I watch it much, in fact, I keep it in my bedroom and rarely turn it on. But now should I ever decide to watch it in my living room, I will simply be able to roll it out here on that cart.

Noyan and my nephew Kevin stopped by to pick up Libby's condo key. Lisa, Noyan and the girls are headed to Myrtle Beach today for a week's vacation. Wish I was going too.

Kevin and I are practically neighbors now. He started art school and is living in a apartment a few metro stops away. I got his number and will try to take him to dinner one evening next week. He just started school and is still feeling a little out of sorts about it all.

Last night Libby and I drove into Old Town Alexandria. We walked around the shops and stopped at a little Irish place for dinner. We sat at a street side table, right where all the guys park their Harleys. One guy showed up with a particularly beautiful bike and all the other guys were drooling over it. In fact, they stood out there right next to that bike for an hour...literally. It is rather comical the things that make men happy. No food, no drink, no women...just that big hunk of a machine! That's it! Funny!

After dinner we walked around a little more and then came home. By then it was midnight and we were plum tuckered out. We made up Libby's bed and said goodnight. It was a perfect day!

No I Can't Tell Him...

After the Summit ended about Noon today, I went to lunch with my friend from Seattle. I hadn't had chance to talk with her all week, we had both been going in different directions. She is Dan's "other Mother," one of the women we had dinner with when we were out there a few months ago. She has my same job out West and we've become really good friends in the last year and a half. We talked about how things were going in her job and mine...we had lots to catch up on since I've been gone.

After lunch, we parted our ways and I jumped on the Metro to get back to work. I had to change trains and when I did, a man started talking with me. He was just making small talk and heaven knows I have no problem speaking with strangers. He said he was heading home and I said, "Wow, that's nice, I'm going back to work." He commented that he gets up at 3:30 AM...so he's really tired. I said I don't have to get up until 5AM, but that's plenty early enough for me!

"Well, getting up at that early hour has not hurt you any...you are still beautiful!" he said. "Thank you, how sweet," I replied. He smiled back at me and added, "Now don't go tellin' him I said that!" And who knows why...but I blurted it out, "No, I can't tell him...because my husband is dead!"

You should have seen his face. That poor man apologized profusely...and hurried to the back of the train. I'm sure he had no idea what to say next and took the easy way out by getting as far away from me as he possibly could. I sat there for the next ten minutes or so, struggling to choke back tears. My eyes filled up...but amazingly, I was able to contain myself. I just kept saying in my head..."Don't cry Luce, suck it up...people are staring at you and they will think you're a kook if you start crying!"

Somehow I managed to snap out of it...just as the train ground to a stop. I jumped up, stormed off the train, made my way up the escalater, and got back to work. But...the man's comment hung over me the rest of the day like a little dark cloud. It's amazing how a seemingly innocent compliment can go from sweet...to bitter in a moment.

Good Day

Just got back from dinner with my friend Mary. She is here from Georgia. She arrived there from Indianapolis just as I was leaving for Washington. Isn't that odd?

The summit presenters today were really engaging. We had one professor here from Harvard. He talked about Leadership and he was funny and inciteful. We also had our agency's new communications director here. She had just started with the N.Y.F.D. the day before September 11th. What an experience. She had lots to share with us about communications and leadership.She got to know Juliani and see him first hand...and his unwavering leadership. She said he was amazing! It was a good day!

Getting ready to turn in. Have a half day tomorrow then it's back to the old grind.

Poor Jazz. I left plenty of food and water for him, but I know he is really wondering where I am. I'll have to carry him around and around the apartment when I get home tomorrow.

Fun Day!

Just got home from the Summit. What a long...but fun day. People, people, people everywhere! The sessions were interesting. Lots to learn from what's going on right now. And I reconnected with old friends. Folks from my home in the South were here and I was able to talk with other folks from all over the country.

My friend Penny gave me a ride home tonight so I didn't have to slog it home on the metro! And Mary has invited me to stay with her tomorrow night at the hotel. So, I plan to take her up on that. I'll pack up my bag and take it with me in the AM. It's really too much trouble to go home in the evening, because everyone hangs out together at the hotel. I will leave plenty of food tomorrow for my Jazzy Boy and he will just have to understand. We only have a half day on Thursday so...it won't be too bad. Although, I'm sure Jazz will REALLY miss me!

I'm tired...and I'm going to turn in now! Good night, sleep tight!

Yucky Chicken Sandwich

Remind me to NEVER eat in the work cafeteria again! It was about 1:15 PM today and I hadn't had lunch yet, so I ran downstairs and grabbed the very last chicken sandwich out of the bin. I also got some fries and headed back upstairs. When I got to my desk, I took a bite of the sandwich and YUCK! It was hard as shoe leather and it had a strange taste. Now our cafeteria is not known for having the best cooks...so believe it or not, I took another bite...and another one! I know...that's plain stupid. By the third bite...and I'm not a fussy eater...I thought, "I can not eat this awful stuff." Well actually I recall using a few other words, but they are just not fit to print here.

For a moment, I thought about going back to the cafeteria to ask for a refund...and now I know I should have. Instead, I grabbed that sandwich, rolled it back up in the paper and set off for the hallway trash can. I didn't even want to throw that thing in the can in my office!! Yuck! It was disgusting!! So...all I had to eat this afternoon were a few cold french fries.

Several of us from the office left for the hotel about 3PM. We had scheduled practice with the VPs and our COO for their Leadership Summit presentation and we had to be there to make sure everything went well. We also needed to critique their "once through" so they could make any improvements by Thursday.

Shortly into the dry-run, my stomach began to churn. Yep, sure enough you guessed it, my three-bites of chicken sandwich were giving me fits! The woman I was sitting with at the practice had some Pepto Bismo tablets with her. She was also kind enough to go and get me a bottle of water and a glass. I took the tablets, had a few sips of water and made it through the rest of the practice. Then I high-tailed it home.

Before I got off the metro, I had already gotten two voicemail messages from friends who wanted me to join them for dinner at the hotel. You see...all the folks are arriving tonight from all over the country. But I could do nothing but head straight back to my apartment. I didn't even bother to grab anything for dinner on the way because I doubted I would be eating anything at all tonight.

When I got here, I fixed myself a cup of tea and finally after an hour or so was able to eat some crackers and a few almonds. I know...it's a strange combination, but my cupboards are pretty bare. It's moments like these that I realize the downside of living alone. It sure would have been nice to have someone around to baby me!

It's a few hours later and I'm finally beginning to feel a bit better, so I think I've experienced the worst. Thankfully I believe I will be able to make it to the Leadership Summit tomorrow. I would sure hate to miss out on that!!

A Little Stir Crazy!

Good Morning Jazzy B! Double click the arrow for a movie of Jazz!

This morning I slept in...well as long as I possibly could...Jazz insists on waking me most days. He is cruising for a bruising. It's a good thing I love him as I do otherwise he would be OUT of here!

Today I caught up on laundry, went through tons of junk mail, paid some bills, threw the trash down the garbage chute. All the usual tidying! But finally by afternoon I was going just a little stir crazy here, so I had to get out into the sunlight. I jumped in the shower, threw on my clothes and tennis shoes and hit the road. I didn't have any destination in mind, just set out walking. First I stopped at the park next door and took in the beautiful waterfall.


Then I started walking the Mt. Vernon Trail towards Old Town. I had to dodge the bikers.
Some of them even glared at me. How dare I walk on "their" bike trail? Crazy bike fanatics! Gracious! Shouldn't we all be entitled to share the trail and enjoy the sunny day? Only in America do people have a territorial entitlement to land!!

I walked for quite a distance...as far as DCA.
That's geek speak for National Airport. Then I decided I was hungry and it was time for a break. So I made my way over to the terminal...taking my life in my hands to avoid all the rushing cars. I finally got over to the airport and cruised through the cute, but pricey little shops. I ended up at Legal Seafood and ordered a chicken Caesar salad and topped it off with a glass of champagne. Extravagant...I know! But, you only go around once...so I figured I should treat myself!

I sat there and watched my first Olympics event...the 10K meter race. Amazing...I can't imagine how those guys do so many laps at that fast pace. Next was beach volleyball...those girls playing games in their bikinis. Now who picked out those uniforms? I'll bet it was a committee of men! I can see why that event is so popular.


I finished my meal with a nice cup of coffee and some ice cream drizzled with chocolate. It's how I rewarded myself for the hour long walk I had taken in the hot sun.

Last stop was the bookstore. I picked up "Team of Rivals." The guy I'm working for told me about it. He said it's a great book about Abraham Lincoln and it shows how good he was at persuasion because he had a team of people working for him...all with different agendas and he managed to bring them all together to do great things. It's a big book in small print. Who knows when I'll have a chance to read it because, in my typical fashion, I'm still juggling several other books at the same time. But I picked it up anyway because I mostly love biographies and I'm guessing as soon as I start it I'll be hooked.

Home Again, Home Again, Jiggety Jig! I hopped on the metro for the return to my apartment. It was only one stop and sure beat another hour long walk. I was anxious to get back home. I may head down to the lobby at 7PM to catch the swimming event. They have a big screen TV and the community room is always empty so I would have it all to myself. It all depends, I will see how much more I get done around here first.

This week is the big management summit at work. And it's like a huge class reunion. There will be in excess of 2300 managers there from all over the country and I am so excited to get to see so many friends. Even just getting caught up with my buds in the regional office and my counterparts across the country will be a plus. It should be a busy, fun and exhausting week. But I'm REALLY looking forward to it!

Double click the arrow for another video...this one is the metro at National.

No Sculpture Today

The cowboy sculpture didn't make it home with me today. In fact, I didn't get to work on it at all. I did finally learn to do some argone welding. But boy I was having a hard time with it. First my face shield was too big...and then I couldn't see anything through it. I kept trying to look through the shield to see what I was welding, but I kept missing the weld joint. I tried again over and over...but I just kept missing it. Couldn't see at all...

Finally I took off the helmet and held it in my left hand to shield my eyes. That was a little better but I was still having difficulty seeing through it for some reason. Then Hugh showed me how to spot weld, using my hand as a shield. Just before I pressed the trigger, I would hold my hand over the welding spot to shield the bright light from my eyes. Of course I was wearing goggles to protect them from any sparks, but you also have to protect your eyes from the bright ultraviolet rays.

It made me a little nervous to just shield my eyes with my hand, but Hugh says he's been using that method for thirty years and he hasn't had any problems. So, I gave it a try...and it was a whole lot easier...I have to admit. I still had to practice over, and over and over. But by the time I left today I was FINALLY starting to get some nice smooth weld joints.

I'll be glad when I can actually feel more at ease with some of the equipment. I used the chop saw again today...and it makes me shudder. It cuts right through steel lickety split...it's a powerful piece of equipment. But, believe me...I am EXTREMELY careful with everything I do. Hugh says I will probably get "bit" once in a while; he says it's inevitable. But not if I can help it!!! I'm going to keep being extremely careful... I happen to really like all my fingers and thumbs...thank you very much!

Next week, when I get there, I'll practice welding a few more times, then FINALLY (I hope) I will actually get to weld my cowboy together. I spent some time today cleaning the horshoes a little more and then I put them back in the bucket of water to soak. They have turned a really cool rusty orange color and I plan to leave them that way. In fact, I will probably spray the entire thing when it's finished, with Krylon. That way it will be a nice shiny rust color. And, I'm already beginning to think about what I might do for an original piece. That's what I'm really looking forward to working on...something of my own design!!

Solitude

Perhaps I can get to where I really enjoy this time alone. In fact, I've been sitting here this evening with a glass of wine, reading a book...no TV, no music...in perfect solitude. And...it's kind of nice. The book I'm reading is called Living Alone and Loving It. A friend gave it to me. And the interesting thing is the author reminds me of myself. She talks about reaching out to people...friends and strangers, and relishing in hearing about their lives...and making connections.

That's pretty much what I've been doing and I'm never disappointed by the interesting people I continue to meet. Even when I least expect it, like the exercise guy from the other night. He is a limo driver...grew up on U street in Washington; had quite a different upbringing, background, and heritage than me. But nonetheless, we connected and he was interesting and kind and all of that. And most important...I learned a few things from him.

Today I ran into another old friend as I left the office. It was a guy I had worked with a few years ago...about five to be exact. He is an artist too...and as I told Lisa...he is actually "doing" art, not just talking about it like me. We sat there on a bench outside the building for quite a while comparing notes. He is also into pastels. So, I was telling him how I had learned to under paint with pastels, using turpentine to turn the pastel base into a wash. He had never heard of that before and I'm guessing now he will try it.

He has done about twelve portraits this year and I wonder how he has time for all that. He told me about a cool paper he uses that can be ordered in large sizes. He said it's kind of expensive...but I said, "Not as bad as buying canvas, right?" And he agreed! He is going to send me the information on ordering it and I plan to do a painting.

Soon, I will need to hop on a plane and go home to exchange my summer stuff for winter clothes, so I will also pick up my pastels and drawing board when I'm there and bring them back with me. I should be able to kill quite a bit of loneliness working on a few paintings here and there.

I'm really looking forward to my metal class in the morning. Because tomorrow I will FINALLY learn to weld. So, I should walk out of there in the afternoon with a metal sculpture in hand. How cool! How fun!

Tomorrow evening I've been invited to a friend's house for dinner and a movie. So I will head home from Annapolis and shower and change and get a few things done around here. Then I will head back out the door. It should be a fun evening and will fill up my Saturday to the max. And hopefully, this time, I won't fall asleep and miss the entire movie!

Sunday...I swear...I'm staying home all day and getting caught up...doing laundry etc. and getting ready for my busy Summit week next week! In fact, phew! What a weekend I've got planned...I'm exhausted already just thinking about it!

On a Moment's Notice

Just when I was feeling a little low, a little lonely...and sorry for myself. I got a call from a friend who lives in the building and he invited me to dinner. He was cooking. Of course I jumped right up, on a moment's notice, I am always ready to go!! I never have to be asked twice.

I grabbed my already opened bottle of wine, my half-emptied glass, and trekked upstairs to the eleventh floor. This guy has a beautiful view of National Airport and the City. And not only that but he has a fabulous apartment with REAL furniture...not the cheesy stuff, like the futon sofa and the headboardless mattress and boxspring I bought for myself. He even has real artwork all over his walls and his kitchen is well stocked with a toaster oven, blender, olive oil, spices, etc. It's a REAL home!

I sat there on one of his kitchen stools and watched him snap off the ends of the asparagus, cut up the carrots for the salad...and boil the pasta. He even cracked an egg to make the white sauce...and buttered and baked some French bread. How cool is that? And all I had to do is watch. Awesome!

Over dinner we shared war stories. Life has not been easy for him either...and it does help to talk things out with someone who understands. And of course our dinner started with him saying grace. That was the best part of all. He has been through enough tough days in his life to know to lean on God.

I stayed until a little after nine, then hurried home with my "carry out" containers of leftovers. Now I'll have food for tomorrow night too... thanks to the guy upstairs!

A Replay of Carlin's Advice

A few weeks ago I posted some advice from George Carlin. I decided to repeat this one...because I believe it wholeheartedly.

Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

It's sound advice and it's pretty much my philosophy too. Why spend time with grouchy people when there are so many kind, thoughtful people out there? Just a thought... Life is way too short and the clock is ticking...

Bouncing Back

My dress is at the tailor. I walked over this evening and the lady pinned it up to hem it for me. It will be ready next Wednesday and it will be good to have that done and ready to go for Kyle and Jessica's wedding. Right now it fits like a glove, but I still think I could stand to lose a few pounds and it will still be OK. And...I'm sure I will feel a bit better being a little bit slimmer.

Next stop was Radio Shack to pick up an antenna for my T.V. They also had digital cameras on sale, so I picked up one of those as well. A birthday gift for myself. I got the Olympus. There were three on sale and I had to decide which one to buy. They each had varying features and varying prices. It was a tough decision and I even called Dan for advice. He said he prefers the Sony's, but the Sony they had on sale did not have as many mega pixels as the Olympus and the telephoto lens wasn't as strong. He said the guys at work recommend Olympus, so that's the one I got. The only draw back is that it's not quite as slim as the Sony. But the plus is that it takes double A's rather than those new square batteries. And I can tell you that I've experienced many times that my rechargeables went dead and I've had to scramble to rustle up other batteries, even pulling them out of remote controls. So, I decided a camera that depends on double A's is still a plus because it gives me flexibility when my batteries lose their charge. The square ones are not readily available in most households. Hopefully, I've made the right decision.

At any rate, my new camera is much smaller than my old one, it has more megs and the zoom is better...and it takes movies too. I want to be able to post movies on my blog. So...now I've just got to spend some time reading the manual and learning now how to use it. And...then I should be all set!! By this weekend, I hope to have some fabulous photos posted here!

Before heading home, I stopped and grabbed something to eat. And I met a woman who works at DIA. She used to live here and now has moved to Springfield, but she was telling me about all the local hang outs in town. And, I promised to help her with her resume. She is looking for another job. She also told me she has been single for 15 years...and as she did, her eyes welled up with tears. It's hard to believe, because she is smart, and successful, and beautiful and outgoing. It's pretty sad. That's a long time to be without a partner and it makes me wonder if I will now experience the same.

Last stop was the store to pick up some odds and ends. Casey the exercise guy, recommended that I start my morning with a glass of Ensure mixed with orange juice. He said it has all the vitamins I need and it's a good source of protein to start my day and jump start my metabolism. He said, "Just mix it up and knock it down!' So, I got a few of those to put in my fridge. Tomorrow I will start a new regiment. He also told me to cut back on my coffee. I know, it's common sense, but it's good to hear someone remind me. So, I plan to try that as well.

I also picked up those little lunch things of tuna and crackers. It will save me spending unnecessary money at work. And, I got a few other things as well. You should have seen me slogging across the street with my arms full of bags. I was sure glad to get to the apartment.

When I got home I hooked up my new antenna and actually can get a few channels now on my T.V. Granted, it's a bit snowy but, Oh Well...I'm not worried about it much. Just need to be able to flip a few channels and get in touch with the outside world once in a blue moon.

Feeling Punky Today

I went back to bed this morning. Just feeling punky...body aches...the whole nine yards. It's the first day I've taken off since I moved up here nearly two months ago...and I suppose I needed a break. I've been running non-stop and it's finally catching up with me.

I stayed in bed until 11:00 and I'm still here in my P.J's. Just can't get myself moving and heaven knows I have plenty to do. This is one of those moments when I think Lisa was right...I need a T.V. It sure would be nice to veg out in front of a few mindless shows. So instead I'm trying to feel better, by being good to myself. I took some aspirin, fixed something to eat, and I'm listening to the radio. Just flipped through some magazines and plan to hit the paperwork soon. The usual boring stuff.

Last night on my way back from dinner I ran into some women from the office back home (down South). They spotted me and called out my name, so I stopped to talk with them. They were having dinner at a street side table.

One of them commented about my smile. She said something like, "Just look at that smile, we hadn't seen that down there for a while; it's good to see you happy again!" I just laughed. What could I say really? But I've thought about it this morning and realize that it's mostly a charade. No one knows how lonely it still feels beneath the surface. I'm sure I appear to be tripping through life now happy as a lark and that couldn't be farther from the truth. I suppose as I've been cautioned before, it takes a long time to get over this. That's true.

Most of the time I try the "mind over matter" approach. As soon as I start feeling down...I push myself to concentrate on other things. That works for the most part. But not always. Like today. I find myself questioning my purpose again. What is it I'm supposed to learn and what is it I'm supposed to do? I think about all those things that people think about when trying to understand the meaning of life. I know...too deep...stop thinking. But I can't help it. Life is puzzling for me. It's just the way I feel.

I would like to get some bit of normalcy, familiarity, something stable back. I find it really hard to describe this state of limbo that I'm in. But it's weird, very weird. I don't even know what to call home anymore. My things are there...I am here. Where is my home really?

I was talking yesterday with my friend Brad about how hard it is to have reached the one year anniversary of our losses. It should be a turning point. And we both expressed how we feel like other people have opinions about how we should be acting. Yet, everything we do now is with the memory and thoughts of for me--Kenny, and for him Erin--his beautiful daughter so tragically lost.

It's a constant battle of feelings. Happiness...versus profound sadness. Mixed with guilt of course, for moving on and trying to live again. People think by now we should be "over it." But instead, our grief is still there, just surfacing in different ways. We even go about trying to hide our sadness, as I mentioned earlier. We put on a happy face for the world to see, even trying to fool ourselves. But we carry our loss with us as we go, just beneath the surface.

I am so thankful for Brad, and Bill, and Leslie, and a few others...my friends who understand. The ones who have been there. We are the walking wounded. Thank goodness I have them to lean on...to cry with, to be myself with. I'm still feeling an impatience from the rest of the world who would like me to move on. And I feel like most people are tired of hearing about it.

One More Thought...

My friend Diana (she lives in San Diego) sent me a message today and it was filled with beautiful photos and quotes. This one left its mark on me:

Friendship is precious, not only in the shade, but in the sunshine of life. And thanks to a benevolent arrangement, the greater part of life is sunshine.
-- Thomas Jefferson

America's Cup

I just had to post these photos I got today from my friend Bill. He knows the father of a guy who races one of these boats in the America's Cup.

To make a long story short, I may get to go out on it this fall when they bring the boat to Annapolis.

I know nothing about sailing and have only been on a sailboat once before...but I feel like this is a chance of a lifetime. Just to be on a boat that has sailed in the America's Cup race. I'm guessing it's going to be another of those amazing experiences for me. So I can't wait!


On another note, tonight I ran into a guy at the local pub. I had gone there to get some dinner. And he and I sat and talked about so many things. Just life in general. He is a fitness nut and he was giving me some pointers.

After his evening of coaching, I actually feel motivated to FINALLY start working out. He insists that it's all about resistance exercises, just using your body...no equipment necessary. And this guy really cracked me up because he had these little sayings that just popped out of his mouth. They kept me laughing. So I wrote them down on a napkin because I didn't want to forget them. Here are a few:

Treat Yourself, Don't Cheat Yourself; Live by the Cross, You'll be the Boss; Eating Green, You'll Be so Lean; Live From the Vine and You'll Be Just Fine; The More You Smile, the Less You've Got to Dial.

In case that last one has you confused, it did me too. So I asked him to explain. And he said, in other words if you keep smiling you won't have to call the doctor as often. Now...how about that? Pretty simple, but I'm guessing it's true!

At any rate, Casey gave me some great pointers and I'm going to give them a try and who knows...perhaps by Kyle's wedding I will have dropped the twenty pounds I would love to lose. And even better, perhaps I will be just a little bit healthier. We will see...

Ho-hum!

I know there's just no way to explain it, but today was a rather ho-hum day. I'm home from work finally. Didn't get home until 6PM. I stopped on my way through the mall and picked up some half-priced carryout at the little buffet restaurant. The guys at work clued me in that they reduce the price after 5PM. Those guys know all the cheap places to eat. My dinner tonight cost me all of three dollars, and it even included some rice pudding for dessert. I know, I'm a big spender! Turns out the food was just fine. So why would I bother cooking for just me?

I must be having a bit of a "widow moment" this evening. And I really can't explain it. But for the first time since I've been here I had a little twinge of missing my home back in the South. I sure didn't see this coming...but I feel it. I guess I need to arrange a trip home...just so I can walk in the door and see for myself that everything is OK. It would also be nice to start up my cute little car and take it for a spin with the top down and the wind blowing through my hair. I sure miss doing that. It had become my form of therapy...blowing my cares away.

And...I think I'd just like to walk around the house touching my furniture and my things. There is something a little odd about being in limbo which is exactly how I feel these days. I try my best to keep the stress of it at bay...but every now and then it just creeps back in.


So let me focus on something happy. Here's one...a photo of Kathy, Patty and Duane from yesterday afternoon. What a fun bunch!




Duane is retired. The lucky guy! He is already taking cooking lessons. And Patty gets to retire in four months. I imagine once she is able to join him they will be able to do all kinds of fun things together. Now that's really lucky!

Breakfast at Carla's

What did I tell you? Carla did her magic Saturday morning with eggs benedict, asparagus and fresh tomatoes. Not only that, but I woke up first thing to Carla and Martine handing me a Mimosa: Champagne and orange juice. Then they jumped into bed beside me, each with their own fluted glass in hand. That's how we started our Saturday morning...giggling with Mimosa's in bed, then a breakfast to die for!

A Day on the Bay
After breakfast Martine and I ran off to her boat on the South River in Annapolis. She and Jeff were getting the boat down from the lift...getting it underway...and I was there in the cabin blogging. Isn't life grand?

Saturday was a beautiful day; a perfect one to spend on the water! The bright blue sky was our canopy. There was a cooling breeze and no humidity. Really, what could be more awesome than the Chesapeake Bay? It was beautiful...beyond words. I told Martine, "I wish I could set the colors in my head forever."

It was a spectacular sight! The water came at us in waves of shimmery steel, with a hint of greenish brown and azure...dotted with sparkling white reflections from the sun. And the trees on the horizon were a muted, hazy blue.

We motored right up to Thomas Point lighthouse. What a gem of the sea! Its recent restoration has made it even more beautiful than ever before.

We also went pretty close to the Bay Bridge. It was silhouetted by huge freighters sitting there just waiting to be called on to pick up a load of shipping crates from the Baltimore Harbor. And the sailboats Saturday, were out in full force. Hundreds of billowing sails of white and beige and yellow dotted the skyline. I hope I can always remember the Bay just like that! Every nuance...every color...

Back at the Reunion
Friday night the "meet and greet" was fun. But, I was surprised there were not more people there. I'm afraid that people were turned off by the price. Anyone who showed up Friday night had to pay the full cost of Saturday night's dinner dance to get in. I'll bet the people who couldn't make it Saturday night didn't feel like paying full price to get into a casual, no frills Friday night get together. Too bad, because I think as a result we missed out seeing a lot more people. But at any rate, it was loads of fun; there were still plenty of people to see and talk to. And I was thrilled to see my friend Kathy. She was there all the way from LA.

Sadly, Brad from Tennessee couldn't make it this weekend. I was terribly disappointed. So we will just have to figure out some other way to see each other now that we've reconnected again. You know, there's no time to waste when it comes to life...living...and staying in touch with the people you love.

Happy Happy Hour!

After work I joined Finn and her roommate Joe at happy hour. We went to the Holiday Inn; it's a few blocks from work. From there I stopped at Pentagon City for a manicure and pedicure. It was totally impromptu, so I was unprepared...no sandals with me. So, when I was done they gave me a pair of those cheesy little disposable flip flops...and I set off through the mall. By then it was nearly 8PM and I had no time to dilley-dalley waiting for my nails to dry.

No doubt, I was quite a sight, tooling through that upscale shopping mall wearing those flimsy flip flops that were about 10 sizes too big. I walked along with my shoes in my right hand and rolled my computer bag along with my left. I kept my eyes on the landscape so I would be prepared to dive behind a counter or a wall if I ran into someone from work. Phew...I made it. No one seemed to care or notice. They were all just rushing to get to their homes. And, in reality I really didn't care either. In fact, I actually delight a bit in doing things to raise a few eyebrows. And, I'm sure people wondered why I was walking along grinning the whole way. I knew I looked pretty ridiculous!

I hopped on the metro, then walked the few blocks to my apartment. I nuked a little food from the fridge, then set about to iron my shirt for the big reunion reception tomorrow night. Boy ironing linen is a pain in the neck and now, I'll have to be ever careful getting that shirt in and out of the car so it won't get wrinkled. I plan on taking my clothes with me and changing at Carla's. That way perhaps the shirt will still be a bit crisp when I get to the big shindig. And here's a pointer...never ever use spray starch on a pair of black capri pants. Next thing ya know, they looked like they were covered with frosting. I'm sure this is something I had learned in my earlier, more domestic days...but by now I had promptly forgotten. I had to grab a damp cloth and wipe off the starch as best I could. Oh well, I doubt that anyone will notice that either.

I am looking forward to seeing about a million people this weekend...no exaggeration! My friend Kathy will be there from LA. She was in my wedding and has become Dan's Mom in LA. She and Bruce spend a lot of time with Danny. They go for bike rides and just hang out together. I'm happy to know he has someone who is family out there so far from home. I am also looking forward to seeing my friend Brad. I haven't seen him in 36 years. Amazing! I can hardly contain my excitement.

Enough of this typing. I've got to pack my bag so I can run home quickly from work tomorrow, grab my stuff, grab Jazzy B, his litter box, food etc. and hit the road. It will take a couple trips back and forth to the basement to get things loaded up and I'll want to hurry so that I am not late for all the fun. Of course, as typical, I will be rushing once again...

Rushing again

I worked late tonight then had dinner at McCormick and Schmicks. Just got home...checking e-mail etc. Had a busy work day today...and it's projected to be even busier tomorrow. I hope I can get out of their Friday on time. I'm looking forward to my highschool reunion and don't want to miss a moment of it.

Friday I will have to rush home from work, pick up Jazz and drive to Annapolis to drop him off at my mother-in-law's. She is doing "Jazzy duty" for the weekend! Then I will join up with Carla for the Friday evening meet and greet. Oh...I hope I will have time in there to shower and change...before I head out, but who knows. It should be a pretty busy weekend. Much like my week has been so far. But...seeing old friends...what could be more special?

It's funny but some of our girlfriends have decided not to go. They've said things like, "I already see everyone I care about, don't need to go." And, frankly...I just don't get that. I can't imagine anything more fun than reconnecting with old acquaintances and friends and hearing about their lives, their families, their triumphs and challenges. I look forward to it always...and would not consider missing it! In fact, it may just be the highlight of my year. It always has been. By Sunday night I doubt I will have a voice left for talking with so many different people. At any rate...I can hardly wait to see everyone. I am practically jumping up and down.

Dinner at Charlie Chiang's

I walked down Crystal Drive tonight; felt like a good steak. Somehow I ended up at Charlie Chiang's instead...and that's hardly western food, but it was good just the same. I sat there with my cell phone, my book and my glass of wine. A friend texted me throughout my meal...so I suppose I wasn't entirely alone. Thank goodness for text messaging. My newest companion!

I stayed late at work again tonight. The intensity of work is heating up this week. I only hope it doesn't rear it's ugly head this weekend with my high school reunion. I plan on being there Friday night, Saturday night AND Sunday...and any extra moments in between. Keep your fingers crossed!

Jazz was happy to see me when I got home. He has been talking to me like crazy. Too bad I don't know what he is saying. I'm sure it would make for good conversation.

Not sure I'll make it to my metal class Saturday. I'm thinking of calling Hugh to say I want to skip this time. I wouldn't want to miss out on any of the reunion fun. As I recall, last time people got together for breakfast and stuff like that. Besides I'm staying at Carla's and she is about the best chef I know. I'm pretty sure she will be whipping up something fabulous in the morning. I'm just not convinced I want to miss all that!

By the way, speaking of Carla's...here are the family of raccoons they feed on their back deck. How about that?

Well it's already nearly nine and I think I'll start getting ready for bed. Boy my evenings go fast when I stay late at the office. I know that's one thing I've got to change...

Happy Birthday to Me!

We changed our minds about the wine festival today. As much as I love those kind of events, I was feeling like just taking it easy for my birthday. So Lisa suggested instead that she bring dinner and we hang out at my apartment. That turned out to be a perfect idea. Mom and Dad came with them. They all piled into her mini van for the ride here from Leesburg. Libby and Sadie arrived too from Chestertown. And on their way they stopped and picked up Kenny's Mom. Kyle, Jess and Chloe came too.

The apartment was filled to the brim, but it was all the more fun that way. Jazz even enjoyed all the company. He is getting very social with all the visiting we've been doing. His favorite place today was sitting underneath my futon sofa. That way, he could still see everyone and everything that was going on in the room.

Lisa brought stuffed green peppers...one of my favorites!

And we had a big tossed salad...
and of course cake. Lisa, the wisenheimer...put a ton of candles on my cake. I'm sure there was one for every year and it was lit up like blue blazes. Next thing ya know...the smoke alarm started screaming! Noyan jumped up and started fanning the smoke and I quickly blew out the candles. We opened a door until the alarm stopped ringing. They sang happy birthday...and I pretended to blow out the candles for the camera. It was pretty funny.

Chloe brought a Veggie Tails DVD, so part of the time I sat with her back in my bedroom and watched the movie. It was me, Chloe and Mr. Shrek all cuddled up together in the middle of my bed! She is a sweet and funny little girl. Later she drew me some pictures which are now prominently displayed on my refrigerator.

Check out this photo of my nieces. Do they have some beautiful eyes or what?!

We called Dan out in LA and sang happy birthday to him, then we all passed the phone around so he could talk with everyone. He was headed to a barbecue at Ara's house.

We had cake and coffee and sat a bit longer. Then before ya know it my party was over, the place was all tidied up...and everyone hit the road. But it was a good time and hopefully marks the beginning of a much better year for us all. I don't wish to spend one more day in mourning, or sadness, or suffering.

Later this evening I talked on the phone with my brother Chip. He and Colleen had gone kayaking today on the Potomac River with some friends. Chip plans to come see me this week, maybe we can have dinner together.

Randy just called me from Indiana to wish me a happy birthday too. He is doing fine...but I sure miss him. He asked me all about Jazz...and sometimes I think he actually misses his cat more than he misses me!! (smile) I am sure looking forward to Kyle's wedding so I can be with all my boys together again.

Happy Birthday Danny

Happy Birthday Danny and happy birthday to me too! Yep, that's right my boy was my best birthday present ever! He is 27 today and I remember his birth like it was yesterday. Dan was due on my birthday...and you know babies NEVER arrive on their due dates. That is, unless they are "induced" but we didn't do that in those days. Nope, Danny came right when he chose...right on his due date and on his Mom's birthday! That was his gift to me!

And not only that, but Dan decided he was in a very big hurry. From the very first contraction, my labor was only an hour and a half. Yes, and at first you might be thinking, "How lucky." But not exactly...that just meant my contractions started like gang busters...and continued at a fast pace the whole time. There was no chance to get into it, to concentrate, to get into the "zone." I was going from house, to car, to bumpy road, to hospital..to wheelchair to delivery room. And was doing it in a race for time...no chance to breathe, no chance to rest...and plenty of chance to birth him in the car, at the curb, in the hospital lobby or the corridor.

From start to finish, it was one of the scariest things I've ever experienced. I thought he was going to be born speeding down route 50 to the hospital. And when I did get to the emergency room the lady at the desk was so nonchalante. I suppose they see hundreds of women come through those doors, all with hours of labor remaining. They were clearly not in a hurry. So, you should have heard me telling them to get it moving. I shouted at them, "This baby's gonna to be born right here, right now if you don't hurry it up." That got things rolling pretty quickly.

Luckily we made it to the delivery room just in the nick of time. Dan arrived no more than five minutes or so after we finally got into the delivery room. I was still wearing my fuzzy socks...there was no time to change, or prep or anything else. In fact, Kenny barely made it to see the birth. He had dropped me off and ran to park the car. He got there just as Dan popped out! But he did have the honor of cutting the umbilical cord...and of course he did see that little darling and hold him first thing.

We knew Dan would grow up to be a solid guy. The first thing we noticed was his chunky little feet with a very high instep. They looked just like Fred Flintstone's! I can see them in my mind and his feet today still look the same...just they are a whole lot bigger!

Happy Birthday Danny...my birthday present. I hope you are having fun celebrating with friends out there in California. I miss you bud!

Just Like a Blacksmith

Today at my metal apprenticeship I hammered some more iron. Hugh keeps having me practice, because I don't quite have it down. It's a lot harder than it appears. I have trouble keeping the hammer steady. My arms are not quite strong enough. But here's guessing that my biceps will really shape up by the time I'm done. Just like a blacksmith!

Today I was heating the iron with the acetyline torch and when it was firey orange...I would turn to the anvil and hammer it down. I was trying to flatten the edges to make it form a hexigon shape from a square. And then I would heat it and hit it some more to extrude the end into a point. The secret is raising it up at an angle and putting the edge of the steel on the edge of the anvil. Then you hammer toward yourself...toward the end of the steel. If you get it right on the edge of the anvil...it gives the metal a place to travel with less resistance...which makes it form into a point. The next thing I did was to heat it again, place the point on the horn of the anvil and hammer it into a hook. That was pretty cool to do!

I'm starting to get a little more comfortable using the torch and I didn't burn myself today! That's a good thing! But the time went way too fast, I could easily have stayed there another three hours. We get lost in our work...and lost in time. In fact, we don't even notice the heat out there, which has been in the nineties.

One of the other things I learned was how to blow a hole in a piece of steel. First we marked a cross in it so I would have a spot to concentrate the heat of the torch. I heated it up, right where we marked it. Once it was really hot...I pressed the oxygen lever on the torch to triple the rate of oxygen. That makes it burn extremely hot. And very quickly, with a loud ss-sh-shsh and sparks flying every which-way, I had melted a hole right through that half inch steel. Amazing! Then I used a rat tail file to finish the hole...and darn if it didn't look pretty good. Not quite manufactured looking...but not too bad!

I also put a horshoe into a vise and heated it with the torch. Once it was really hot, I bent it with a set of vise grips. It bent real easy just like a piece of putty. Next week I'll be making a simple sculpture from horseshoes. It's a cowboy twirling a lasso. The horshoes form his legs, back and arms. And the lasso is made from a finer piece of steel. It's cute! And I was getting all my pieces ready today.

I will finally learn to weld next week, when I assemble all the pieces. We thought we would get to some welding today, but we ran out of time. To get the pieces ready for next week, I spent some time grinding off the burs, buffing off the rust and rough spots and scooping the hardened horse manure from the crevices. That was the yucky part! My cowboy is all ready to go. So, it looks like I will finally walk out of there next Saturday with my first sculpture!!

Twelve Hour Day

Friday was a long and hectic day. I put in over twelve hours and practically ran through each one. Things were so crazy that my boss even brought me lunch from the cafeteria. He could see that I was busting my behind. By the time I left for home...I was sure glad to get out of there.

On my way to the metro I saw a guy who reminded me of Kenny. He was tall, thin and frail and was walking very slowly. Just like Kenny used to do. He was even pushing his own wheel chair. He was walking slowly behind it and using it to hold himself up. It stopped me in my tracks because it sent me right back in time. I had watched Kenny walk along...just like that...with so much effort...slowly ambling along. It looked just like Kenny and I started to cry...

But even though it made me feel weird and sad and all those conflicting emotions. I couldn't take my eyes off that old fragile soul. In fact, I dodged around the other people on the street so I could keep him in view just a little bit longer. He made his way slowly to the metro elevator, then dissapeared from sight.

I can still see him in my mind walking along from behind. And I can still see Kenny doing the same. Over the many years and watching Kenny struggle as he did...this is what always came to mind, "But for the grace of God go I."

But I don't worry about Kenny now because here's what I know to be true: Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those wo love him. James 1:12

I can see Kenny now running full court...dribbling that basket ball. Jumping and dunking it and laughing with his big dimpled grin. And I'm guessing his curls have returned...a full head of them and they are bouncing as he runs. Just like old times. That's what I know.