Yeah that's me

Glamorous right? Here I am still in my nightgown, sweatshirt and slipper boots. Feeling a bit under the weather today, couldn't get it together...my whole body aches...and I'll bet I'm a hilarious sight! I thought it was worthy of sharing, to let the world know what it's like for a grieving widow. Yesterday was a rough day. Just when I feel like the worst of this emptiness is over, someone says something insensitive that sets my world a spin. I'm going to begin writing down all the ridiculous things people say to me...especially those at work! My goodness. The only thing I can do is realize they just have no idea...and I hope they never have to experience it first hand.

The one piece of advice I have for anyone who may be helping someone else through this grieving period...is that you need to be positive, you need to be encouraging. The last thing a widow needs is one word of criticism. Every day is a challenge...and you never know when one single negative word...will put a grieving widow over the edge.

Tomorrow is another day; I plan to lean into it...I will start my day in prayer and hope for the best.

Not Blogging Today...

Everytime I think I've had the worst day so far...another one comes along that tops the last one. So yes, for now...today was it!!!! Yep! Not a good one...In fact, it is extraordinarily hard handling the death of a spouse...I'm not blogging today...

Greatful Dead? Nope! A Blog Head instead...

Today is Monday and oh what a morning. It was one of those hectic beginnings of the work-week, with everyone rushing, rushing, around. All of us team managers were having the same kind of day. Too much to do, and too little time... Sorry to say, it was just way over the top for me! By noon I wanted to crawl under my desk and take a little nap. I was exhausted! I'm guessing we all used up this week's Type A quota...we should be able to coast until Friday... Yeah right!

I just got off the phone with my sister Libby. LOL! "Hey, I read your blog," she said, "and now I'm one of those...what is it? The people who follow the Greatful Dead???!!! Oh, yeah a 'Dead Head'...that's it!" She laughed, "I think that makes me a BLOG HEAD because I'm following your blog!" NOW...THAT'S...FUNNY!

And guess what else? Libby is now encouraging the CRAZY CAT WOMAN thing!!! She requested more stories and pictures of NO...not us as those cute little kids, and no, not stories of how I'm handling my grief...but YES...photos of my Jazz Ma Tazz! The bad part is that I can feel it coming on too. I'm afraid the cat-focused obsession is taking over my life...it's becoming more entrenched with every passing day.

So yeah, here is a story that had me falling off the sofa last night. I was talking with a widowed friend of mine. We were deep into a serious conversation, sharing stories about his experience losing his wife Nancy, seven years ago--contrasted to mine losing Kenny. It's good to talk with someone who really knows how it is.

All of a sudden, I had to interrupt him--right in the middle of a sentence--to tell him about my Jazz!! That crazy cat was taking one of those little plastic balls, you know the kind they bat around the room? He was carrying it to the top of the stairs, and dropping it...then scrambling after it as it bounced down the stairs...When he reached the bottom, he would skid across the floor, grab that ball again, carry it back to the top and do that crazy little pet trick over and over and over!! He was having one kitty-cat fit-of-a-frenzy time! Now that is one smart cat! Hey, perhaps I'll see what he can do with a slinky. I'll let you know...

Happy Birthday Chip

Wow! Today my brother turned 55! Don't I feel old? Chip and I are only a year apart...yes he is the older one! HA! In the early days, my brother and I were two peas in a pod. Our younger sister Lisa did not arrive until nine years after me and Libby came a year after that. So for the longest time it was just me and my brother, just the two of us. And we stuck together through thick and through thin.

He is also an artist, and like me had worked in a mostly left-brained world. While employed at Goddard Space Flight Center in Maryland he had felt--just as I do--the square peg trying to hammer himself into that round hole! Finally, having the guts to do something different, he pursued what suits him best...his creative expression.

He has spent his life as a free-lance artist and has illustrated magazines and at least one book. He now custom paints murals in homes, restaurants and businesses all over the Annapolis area and has shown and sold his artwork in galleries there as well. My brother Chip, is one talented guy and his freelancing has afforded him the blessing of spending quality time with his son Jake. I'm guessing he could be considered one of the first "stay at home Dads!" I admire him for having the self-confidence and individuality to choose the path less taken. Happy Birthday Chip!

A Few Serious Thoughts and Some Funny Ones

The church sermon this morning was about generosity and helping others. That's my mission now. I'm a firm believer that my purpose--the reason for all I've experienced--is to share with others what I've learned about life. Kenny and I were blessed to have so many angels come in and out of our life when we needed them most. They took on their human guises and helped us get through--simply because they cared and because they loved. It's my turn now to repay the many kindnesses we received.

After church, I stopped to gas up the car. It was on empty and I held my breathe that it wouldn't crawl to a stop before getting it to the station! I got there OK, swiped my debit card in the machine, and entered my pin...well actually I tried to enter my pin. Good Grief! "What is my pin?" I just couldn't remember it. Once again, my mind had gone blank. That sure seems to happen a lot lately. In a flash, I thought, "No problem, I'll call Kenny." Oh boy, there you go... another reminder that he is gone... Out of frustration, I marched up to the booth and said, "Charge it!"


From there I drove to the corner restaurant to get some breakfast. I still don't have any food in my house...I hate going to the grocery store, so I normally put it off as long as I possibly can! And, I eat out more than I should. The hostess seated me smack dab in the middle of that busy, bustling restaurant at a big table that swallowed me up. Now why didn't they just shine a spotlight on me to show, "Yes she is eating alone! Yes she is a lonely widow!" A quick glance around the room confirmed it...I was the only person in that restaurant sitting all by myself.

Well that was enough of my breakfast break...I impulsively decided to wash Kenny's car. It had been grimy long enough! And Ken would never have allowed his shiny new car to get that dirty. So from the restaurant I headed straight to the car wash. No, it's not the kind you drive through, it's the kind you pay to wash the car yourself. And no, I hadn't gone home first to change my clothes. I'm much too impatient for that. Yes, no doubt, I was quite a sight in my short little dress and pink heels scrubbing that big old grubby car. Git'er done!

The whole thing reminded me of the time back in Maryland, when I hitched a ride to work with my friend Shelley Belle. She has a Honda Goldwing Trike. Shelley walked out of her house to greet me. And she was wearing some big ole black biker boots. She quickly noted that I had on a pair of little tiny, pointy-toed pumps. She laughed and said, "Girl, you can't get on my bike wearing shoes like that!" To which I replied, "Yes I can, it's what I've got and it's what I'm wearin'!" I jumped on the back...and we took off, eventually rolling through the streets of Washington DC. I laughed hysterically all the way to work and boy did we attract some stares. At one point, while stopped at a light, this guy in a truck next to us snapped our photo. As he did, I kicked up my leg alongside Shelley. I wanted to be sure he captured the shoes. We giggled our way through work that day thinking that somewhere on the Internet is a photo of the two of us with an interesting caption that I won't print here. Something like, Chicks on Trikes. Ha! Use your imagination!

A Bit of the Blues

I woke up this morning with that familiar sense of foreboding. You know, the knot in your stomach that says tomorrow is a workday! My weekends just go way too fast and I still have so much to get done today. I started off feeling that I should have pushed myself a little harder yesterday. Towards evening I had taken a break and watched a movie with my neighbor Jen, then the four of us (Jen, Jon, Jack & I) went to the wings place for dinner.

While waiting for our food I learned to play Rummy...at least I think that's what Jen called it. All I know is that I've never been much for playing cards and I'm just not that good at it. She was patiently trying to teach me the rules, but even Jon laughed when they seemed to shift and change in the middle of the game. Needless to say, I think Jack was better at it than me! Hey, regardless...it's always fun doing anything when Jen is involved.

It took a while for our food to arrive and boy was I hungry. I told them, "For lunch I tried to heat up a leftover Reuben and fries in the oven." I went on to explain that I hadn't used the microwave because I wanted the fries to stay crispy. As the story goes, "I returned...who knows how long later...to find VERY VERY crispy fries, charred black in fact, including the Reuben." So I dumped it right into the trash! No wonder I was starving while we waited for dinner; I hadn't eaten all day.

Our meals finally arrived accompanied by the largest glasses of water I've ever seen. We ate, talked and laughed about all sorts of things. At the end of the evening, Jon would not allow me to contribute to the bill... I said, "Jon you always do that! I'm gonna have to start cooking for you guys!" Ha, ha, ha...they exploded with laughter! FUNNY! Even I got a kick out of that one!

Let Me Tell you About My Neighbors

After blogging this morning, doing some laundry, tidying the kitchen (well a little!), scooping the litter, and vacuuming most of the house, I decided to tackle my yard! First I grabbed the edger/weed whacker; wanted to do that before starting up the "big guns" to mow the grass. While grabbing the Black & Decker gadget out of the garage I noticed a bag of fertilizer in the corner. "Yeah, I better get that done too," I thought, "my grass is looking a little sparse."

Just as I got underway with the edger, my neighbor Jon poked his head out his door and told me he had just put down some weed and feed on my yard. "Wow I said, I was just gonna do that too!" I thanked him, we quickly talked about a few other things...I got some red ant advice etc. before he disappeared as quietly and calmly as he had arrived. I couldn't ask for better neighbors. Jon, Jen and and their son Jack are just like kin. They are the best kind of neighbors a person could have...especially for a widow! I tease my dear Jennifer that her husband now has two wives to look out for. Poor guy, like his life is not busy enough! Clearly though, he doesn't seem to mind, he is just one very kind and generous man. Should I ever decide to leave Georgia and move back home...I will insist that they come along!

It's a Jazzy Morning

Not sure what I will do today, not even sure what I will write about. I'm here in my PJ's with my Jazz cat sitting on my lap again. In fact, it's a bit tough to type because he is pawing at my face. He would rather I STOP blogging and pay attention to him. There he goes again! At risk of sounding like a crazy cat woman I am so thankful for this furry little companion. Right after Kenny died both of my sisters tried to convince me to get a cat and I reacted with, "No way, I don't want to take care of anything or anyone! I do not want any pets, no cats, no nothing!" Of course God has his own plan for our lives. I've learned that over and over. I know he was smiling that day as he worked his perfect plan.

Labor Day weekend was my first holiday without Kenny. It started as a lonely Saturday. Our son Randy was still living at home, but he was working that day at Banana Republic. So, for the first time in my life, I felt completely by myself and empty inside. Everyone around me, the people at work etc. had plans for how they would spend the holiday weekend. My grief began to consume me.

Determined to keep myself out of a rut, I got out of the house into that bright sunny day. My excuse was that I needed new jeans so I drove to the local shopping plaza about a mile away. I parked the car and started down the sidewalk, fighting hard to keep from blubbering. I was just not going to do it that morning! Suddenly I heard a faint crying sound that stopped me dead in my tracks. What was that? My thoughts started whirling..."Oh no, that sounds like a cat! A tiny baby kitty...oh no, I don't want a cat, I don't want a cat!" Sure enough, I followed that tiny meowing and found this little black and white ball of furry fluff shaking while hiding behind a bush. I couldn't believe it. I had never seen such a small kitten in my life. With a lot of work and a lot of commotion and five people helping, I finally captured that little wild thing and took him home. And that was God's plan.

Me and my Baby Darling

At first I called him Baby Darling because instantly, he had became the new darling of my life. I got him a bottle and some formula and worked to tame him. I spent the weekend doing just that and in a few days he began to trust me. Finally, I was able to get him cleaned up. I put him right under the running water in my sink, and carefully held him in one hand as I scrubbed him with the other. Over a matter of a few weeks he became less skittish and warmed up to Randy and me. With some gentle convincing by Randy, "I refuse to call him Baby Darling!" I decided the kitten had to have a proper name.... We tossed a few names back and forth until I finally dubbed him Jazz. You see, just before Kenny died he had said to me, "Luce if I make it out of this hospital, I promise life is going to be jazzy from now on." Kenny was never one to break a promise. Yes Ken, life is sure Jazzy now!

It's Good to be Home

Today was a pretty darn good day. I had a meeting this morning with a guy from Headquarters who walked into my office at 9AM with a, "Good morning Sunshine!" I nearly fell out of my chair. My mind started racing..."Did I give him my blog?...I didn't tell him about my blog...did someone else tell him about it???!!!" After a few startled moments, I realized he could see the bewildered look on my face and I knew he had no idea why my jaw had dropped. Finally, as I pulled myself together, I calmly said, "Mark, interesting that you called me Sunshine, that's what my husband used to call me." He said, "Well that's a good name for you...you are always so upbeat." We then proceeded to talk about business, about the analysis function for the Terminal reviews. But after he left, I thought to myself, "Hm-m-m...amazing, I know there are no coincidences in this life!" Perhaps holding onto the thought of that sunny morning sky really did start this day on the right path. Yes, everything comes together for good purpose. What a fabulous day!

A Beautiful Day

The morning sky is pale lavender, soft pink and yellow against baby blue. It's highlighted by the sunlight peeking through the clouds. Absolutely beautiful! Does that mean it will be a beautiful day? Yes! I will hold onto that thought and wish it to be true. TGIF!

Dinner was Great

I had dinner tonight with friends from work: Les, Leon and Alex. Alex invited me after running into me the other night as we left work. I'm sure he could tell I was in a bit of a funk...and how sweet of him to invite me to join them for dinner. We ate at one of my favorite restaurants, The Sun-dried Tomato. It's where my cute little jazz trio plays on Thursday nights and I got to see my friend Toni. She's the singer with the beautiful voice! Toni and I became friends a few months back, because I used to go there by myself and she would talk with me during their breaks. At any rate, it was a fun evening with the guys; we talked about work and laughed at the craziness of it all. We drank way too much wine...which meant my share of the bill, including my meal, was over $80! Good grief, thank goodness it's a payday week! The best part of all was when we left and Leon was, "Oh my Gosh!" drooling over my cute little car as I rolled back the rag top! Yeah, it is a sweet little car! Sure beats the heck out of my old mini van. I got home to be greeted at the door by Jazz Ma Tazz, my dear little kitty cat. He is sitting on my lap as I type this blog. Thank goodness tomorrow is Friday! Oh yeah!

Now That's Funny

You mean today is not May 1st? How funny is that. It's not Kenny's birthday today; I'm a week early! Gosh, does that say something about my brain! Hope not. Well, I've prepared a week in advance...so I'll celebrate his birthday ahead of time! I suppose, that's better than being late. At least it gives me something to laugh about today. And Ken would probably be laughing too and saying, "Lucy you are such a blonde!" No actually, that would be me. On the other hand, Ken would be saying, "It's Ok Luce, you have so much on your plate these days, no wonder you got it wrong." Onward and upward!

Happy Birthday Kenny

Today is Kenny's birthday. He would have been 54 today. I'm trying to turn it into a celebration rather than a mournful day. I grabbed a Starbucks this morning and a blueberry scone. Blueberries were Ken's favorite. As I rolled up Hwy 85 on my way to work, I watched the sun come up and imagined Kenny saying, "Good morning Sunshine, where is that beautiful smile?" Admittedly I shed a few tears this morning. But, I'm thankful knowing that without his first transplant in 1991 Kenny would have died then...at that very young age of 37. In comparison, only living until 53 is not too bad. Yes, we have been blessed. Our three sons are lucky today to be able to celebrate the life of a man they came to know and love, rather than just an image of a man they would barely remember. Ken had such an impact on all three of our sons lives...and mine. We are all very lucky. Happy Birthday Ken! I celebrate you today!

So Here I Am

My friend Teresa said I should start blogging. Finally I'm getting started. It may sound strange to call my site sunshine-widowsworld because frankly, I'm not feeling very sunshiny! But, I had to think of a name and I didn't want the widow thing to sound too grim. My husband Kenny used to call me Sunshine! So here I am trying to be sunny in what has become for me...a rather dark world.

I have been widowed nine months. Time has a way of flying by and standing still all at the same time. I knew for a very long time that I would probably outlive my dear husband Kenny...and even though I had plenty of time to prepare...18 years to be exact...it is still harder than I could ever have imagined. I have a new found respect for widows and widowers and I'm guessing the number of years a couple had been together probably exacerbates the loss. Ken and I were married over 31 years. We met at 19, fell instantly in love and married a little over a year later. Certainly we went from kids to adults together and grew and matured through the influence of each other. By weathering a lot of storms together, we brought out the best in each other.

Being widowed is a gut wrenching experience. Losing anyone you love is difficult, but they say loss of a spouse is the toughest of them all. Based on my experience I believe that's true. Funny how I thought I would get through this better than most. I had lots of time to prepare and I am a strong and determined person. I thought I could just push myself through it, not allow it to defeat me. Boy was I wrong. After nine months it's hitting me harder now than I could ever have imagined. Making this more difficult is that we had just moved away from friends and family and I am here living and working in Georgia. I am totally alone and isolated from all who really know and love me. Beyond the first two weeks when my sister Lisa went back home, I have not had the usual support network. You know, the hordes of neighbors and friends to rally around me with food and yard work help etc. The people who would normally help me through this are miles and miles away.

How Silly to Think I Could Rush Through This

In fact, I went back to work two weeks after Ken's funeral. I did that because I'm a manager and I felt they needed me and secondly because I thought I needed to get my mind back into my job. Funny, but my mind was not tuned in for months! I walked around in a virtual fog. I realize now that rushing back to work was a huge mistake. I should have given myself more time to grieve. In fact, in a way I think it has hurt my career. I've learned that people understand so little about grieving...especially the loss of a spouse! Most have little tolerance for the experience. They expect you to snap out of it right away. I was just accused by someone at work of not paying attention, of not listening. Really? Isn't that funny? OF COURSE there are times I'm not listening, but it is not by choice!! Grief has a way of clouding ones brain and shutting out everything else that is going on. I am actually frustrated by not being more in control and would give anything to change it, to block out this grief. Sadly I can not...