Blogging in the New Year--2019

Kenny and I met years ago on New Year’s Eve. This photo is from our first one spent together, a year after that very special first dance. We were so young! 

Since then, I’ve LOVED celebrating this holiday because it was such a special occasion for us; a reminder of our love and the joy of looking forward to another new year together.

By nature I’m typically positive and see the glass full rather than empty. I’ve always embraced new adventures and change. So, even after losing Kenny, I’ve continued to welcome the promise of each new year.

But last night, just like Cinderella, I ran away from the ball right before the stroke of midnight. After eleven years being widowed, I just wasn’t up to putting on a happy smiling face again through that iconic, noisy, awkwardly alone, reminder of my loss. Especially in a room filled with happily celebrating couples.

It’s not always fun going solo.

It did not surprise me to find another one of my widowed girlfriends escaping the party to head home at the exact same time as me. We gave each other a big hug at the door without having to say a word, before dashing through the dreary, raining, darkness to our rides. Sometimes understanding transcends a simple embrace.

Life for us is constantly changing with the need to continuously adjust and readjust, as our single girlfriends (and occasional men) drop out of the lineup while they busy themselves in creating their own new lives.

We are always faced with rebuilding relationships as we become the remaining one “going solo.” We even find ourselves excluded from invitations to social outings and parties by all those new happy couples. It’s just human nature. Just life. Just the way it is.

The only constant for me these days, for which I’m incredibly grateful, is my sister, my Mom, a handful of long-time steadfast friends, and my three sons and their families. The rest continues to shift day after day.

I’m also thankful for my ever-expanding “club” of widowed friends who understand without judgement, advice, or the never-ending utterance of annoying cliches.

We do not seek sympathy. We seek understanding.

To others it appears that I stay busy and rush through life joyfully happy. I hear it all the time, “Lucy you are so busy!” Apparently my life is seemingly wonderful looking in from the outside. In reality I stay in constant motion so that I don’t have to feel the emptiness.

Jealousy can be misguided, ironic and cruel. I can assure you, my life is not one to envy...

In reviewing this past year which started out so filled with promise, I have been thinking and rethinking on so many missteps and poor decisions I’ve made. I’m also struggling to figure out exactly what I was supposed to learn this time. There is always a lesson to learn. 

And, I realize that after all these years, I’m still a work in progress. But at least I try. I also accept responsibility for my mistakes and I’m extremely forgiving. Often to my own disappointment and heartbreak...

So, I’m looking forward to putting 2018 behind me. It started out great, but was actually filled with many rough days and did not end so well.

I welcome this New Year —2019, and I’m looking forward to finding something, or someone, to add some stability to my life so that it won’t require this constant readjusting over...and over...and over...

CHEERS!

Now where is my other Glass Slipper? I really need to find that shoe...