So Here I Am

My friend Teresa said I should start blogging. Finally I'm getting started. It may sound strange to call my site sunshine-widowsworld because frankly, I'm not feeling very sunshiny! But, I had to think of a name and I didn't want the widow thing to sound too grim. My husband Kenny used to call me Sunshine! So here I am trying to be sunny in what has become for me...a rather dark world.

I have been widowed nine months. Time has a way of flying by and standing still all at the same time. I knew for a very long time that I would probably outlive my dear husband Kenny...and even though I had plenty of time to prepare...18 years to be exact...it is still harder than I could ever have imagined. I have a new found respect for widows and widowers and I'm guessing the number of years a couple had been together probably exacerbates the loss. Ken and I were married over 31 years. We met at 19, fell instantly in love and married a little over a year later. Certainly we went from kids to adults together and grew and matured through the influence of each other. By weathering a lot of storms together, we brought out the best in each other.

Being widowed is a gut wrenching experience. Losing anyone you love is difficult, but they say loss of a spouse is the toughest of them all. Based on my experience I believe that's true. Funny how I thought I would get through this better than most. I had lots of time to prepare and I am a strong and determined person. I thought I could just push myself through it, not allow it to defeat me. Boy was I wrong. After nine months it's hitting me harder now than I could ever have imagined. Making this more difficult is that we had just moved away from friends and family and I am here living and working in Georgia. I am totally alone and isolated from all who really know and love me. Beyond the first two weeks when my sister Lisa went back home, I have not had the usual support network. You know, the hordes of neighbors and friends to rally around me with food and yard work help etc. The people who would normally help me through this are miles and miles away.

How Silly to Think I Could Rush Through This

In fact, I went back to work two weeks after Ken's funeral. I did that because I'm a manager and I felt they needed me and secondly because I thought I needed to get my mind back into my job. Funny, but my mind was not tuned in for months! I walked around in a virtual fog. I realize now that rushing back to work was a huge mistake. I should have given myself more time to grieve. In fact, in a way I think it has hurt my career. I've learned that people understand so little about grieving...especially the loss of a spouse! Most have little tolerance for the experience. They expect you to snap out of it right away. I was just accused by someone at work of not paying attention, of not listening. Really? Isn't that funny? OF COURSE there are times I'm not listening, but it is not by choice!! Grief has a way of clouding ones brain and shutting out everything else that is going on. I am actually frustrated by not being more in control and would give anything to change it, to block out this grief. Sadly I can not...