A New Perspective

It hit me today that the introduction to my blog page needed an update. I decided it no longer painted an accurate picture of who I am. So I've revised it. I've even given it a slightly new look and feel to reflect the new me.

A lot has changed in the fifteen months or so since Kenny died. But today I can say...I finally have many more happy days than sad ones. And that's really saying a lot, since this past year had been filled with overwhelming, gut-wrenching, sadness and grief.

Thankfully...I have gotten through the fog...and I'm beginning to feel like my old self again. Now that's not to say that I don't miss Kenny. I do still miss him...tremendously...in ways that are hard to describe. But...I'm getting by. I've settled in to my new life and it's mostly comfortable and I'm mostly content and happy from day to day.

I've learned so much about being a widow. And although I'm so much happier, there still remains that lingering loneliness...while I'm surrounded by a multitude of people. I still dread coming home to my empty apartment. It's not out of fear at all...it's simply out of loneliness. And I still miss the companionship of my lifelong partner. In fact, something happened today...that instantly had me longing for Kenny. I wanted to dash home from work and talk it over with him. And of course I couldn't. It's moments like this that haunt me in my new life as a widow.

The long time friendship and companionship that Kenny and I had...the knowledge of each other's families...the history we shared...well it's all gone. To start that same conversation today with anyone else, would mean updating them on so much background and so much history to set the context for the discussion. Oh yes, that's how it is living without Kenny.

But, I'm definitely pressing forward. And who knows how the rest of this year will go. I'm guessing each day will continue to get better even as I still have much to sort out with my new life. Do I buy a new house? Or a condo? Or do I continue to rent? Which car should I sell...or should I get rid of them both? There are still so many things to work out...and now it's all solely up to me to decide. But at least my days are lighter, they are finally brighter and I'm learning to be happy once again.